EMPHASIS Emphasis (Blue Stone)

Techno, and consequently pretty much everything that is good about modern dance music, may have been invented in Detroit, but, as with many things, the Germans were there first. When Derrick May a.k.a. the Godlike Rhythm Is Rhythm was asked to sum up techno by The Face, he replied, "It’s like George Clinton and Kraftwerk were stuck in an elevator with nothing but a synthesiser for company." So, following the success of the aforementioned tonmerchants, Hardfloor, Jam & Spoon and Sven Väth, Germany now presents us with, er, Emphasis, and this single replete with four versions of the song, uh, "Emphasis". I don’t wish to appear cynical (well, no more than usual, anyway), but here’s what the blurb says (apply ‘sic’s at your own discretion):

"Emphasis provides its audience, regardless of age, regardless of culture, with striking and intelligible melodious dream on its fantastic journey.

Radio Version: An impulsive beat combined with the accentuations of an absolutely impressive E-Guitar. Characterised by remarkable dynamics, this version is an absolute sensation and impresses most of all by its uniqueness.

Tribal Ethno Mix: The combination of the passionate, sentimental panflute with the light beat of a percussion, transfers the listener into unimaginable, fantastic spheres.

Cool Version: The explosion!! The flight into the 21st Century! Dazzling, bright lights, progressive, agressive beat! Emphasis accompanies its listeners through galaxies and unknown spheres. This Space-Journey will lead you into a world, where time and space have been lost forever. space up and never come down?!

Motion Mix: An extremely relaxing state of mind produces the deeply romantic and sentimental "Twelve-String-Guitar" in combination with the stringers’ melodious loveliness."

I think the phrase might be ‘loses something in translation’, ‘cos what Emphasis really sounds like is 2 Unlimited playing the "Cagney and Lacey" theme, which consequently makes it the funniest thing I’ve heard since the Television Personalities’ "Where’s Bill Grundy Now?". I look forward to their forthcoming album, the aptly titled "Mania", with interest.